Matthew K. Garner: The Man, The Myth, The Mystery
According to legend, this enigmatic young fire-imp from the dark side of the moon was raised by Tibetan monks somewhere east of Pittsburgh and then sent forth into the world to free us all from the dark oppression of Emporer Schivo-Zeem and his army of undead, saw-toothed lemurs. Now, thanks to this anonymous and highly apocryphal interview that was found sitting in the glove compartment of Old Man McCracken's beaten up '67 DeSoto, the truth may finally be told!
Interviewer: Before we start, Mr. Garner, let me just say that this is an honor!
Matt: Huh? What? Who are you!? What are you doing in my house!?
Interviewer: Sir, we're not in your home. We agreed to meet here at TGI-O'Reilly-MacDougal's for lunch and an interview...
Matt: A likely story! OoOOoOoh, you're just lucky we're at my favorite completely fictional dining establishment, buster, or I'd be likely to start a scene! Now who are you again...?
Interviewer: I see the rumors about your poor memory certainly weren't fabricated. Now then, Matt--
Interviewer: Matthew K. Garner...
Matt: That's right. Ask me what the "K" stands for you and you die.
Interviewer: What does the "K"---GREAAAAAAAGH!!!
Interviewer #2: What was that for!?
Matt: I warned 'im!
Interviewer #2: Sir, just how old are you?
Matt: Old enough to know better. Say, you gotta' name, bub?
Interviewer #2: No. Sadly, my parents were visited a fortnight afore me birth by an old gypsy woman who gazed into the future and told them that my fate was to become a fictional interviewer. Thus, they named me solely for that role I have been given so mockingly.
Matt: That's rough. Why don't I call you Ferb instead?
Ferb: Fine by me. Now, then, where exactly are you from, sir?
Matt: Certainly not the moon! Pah! Those legends are complete poppycock! I come from a magical land of pixies and unicorns that few have ever been witness to. There are some who know it solely by the name of "Virginia."
Matt: You bet your keister, wow.
Ferb: And your wife, Heather...?
Matt: A dragon-taming leprechaun from the land of Nod. We met one day by the carbonated lake of Barq's when...
Ferb: Fascinating. Now then, sir, about your comics--
Matt: ...greeted by the Royal Order of Undersea Wallabies... Huh?
Ferb: Your comics. How long have you been working on them?
Matt: Practically my whole life, Seamus!
Ferb: Ferb. And how many ideas have you had in that long time?
Matt: Oh, heck, Nancy, I don't know! Let's see... there's Dr. X, of course... And Android Task Force, The Mystical Vale, and my favorite: Welcome to Frackstonville! See, it's still a series in development, but it's about--
Ferb: I don't care. And where do all of these ideas come from?
Matt: I steal 'em.
Matt: Steal 'em! What are ya', deaf or something?
Ferb: Sir, that is completely unethical! Not to mention offensive to the hearing impaired!
Matt: What do they care? They couldn't hear it! Okay, fine. If you must know, I have a theory that all fictional worlds, like my comics for example, truly do exist in some alternate dimension. Those of us in the "real world" don't actually create them, but we are simply those chosen by Fate to psychically link to those alternate dimensions and record the goings-on therein!
Ferb: Sir, are you, in fact, completely insane?
Matt: I also have proof that the world's government has become nothing more than a puppet for the evil force lurking in the media industry, seeking to destroy us all!
Ferb: I'll take that as a yes...
Waitress: May I take your orders, sirs?
Ferb: Of course. I'll have a--
Matt: Wait, what's going on? Who are you!? What are you doing in my house!?
Matthew K. Garner: Misunderstood Genius, Savior of the Spinach People, or Barking Mad Lunatic?
Write down YOUR answer on a 3x5 notecard, then throw it away! You'll be glad you did!